We want to link the world through peer support

Chorale Taito (Representative: Ms. Makiko Kato)
Crayon Life (Representative: Mr. Satoru Misawa)
Address: 2-25-8 Iriya, Taito-ku, Tokyo, Japan

It is the Persons with Psychiatric Disabilities that Give Support.

The "Chorale Taito" is a self-help group established by and for persons with psychiatric disabilities at a small corner of the eastern part of Tokyo. Our activities are to establish and run the "Peer Support Center" and to publish books. Furthermore, we make a demand for the nullification of eugenics and the ﾒDisqualification Articlesﾓ in collaboration with persons with other disabilities and persons for a citizensﾕ movement and carry on a campaign against ﾒpreventive detention.ﾓ We have been involved in the movement towards establishing the anti-discrimination law for persons with disabilities.

The Peer Support Center for persons with psychiatric disabilities, which is founded in the Chorale Taito, is closed on Mondays and Tuesdays. From Wednesday to Sunday, the Center is opened for its voluntary activities on peer support, computers, tea ceremony, watching a video, and listening to music as well as giving peer counseling. On Thursdays and Saturdays we hold a dinner party. A person who wants to attend the party needs to book a seat by 5:00 pm on the preceding day. With respect to our publications, we have been compiling and publishing "books by and for our peers." In the past we issued the books titled "Believe," "Yes" and "Empowerment." The fourth book is called "Peer Support full of Warm Feelings." The fifth book will be "Textbook for Peer Helpers (a tentative name)," which is under the process of editing towards its publication.

The "Crayon Life" performs the activity to protect the rights of persons with disabilities and accepts consultation requests from 11:00 am to 6:00 pm from Wednesday to Sunday. Anything may be discussed on such matters as diseases, disabilities, hospitals, accommodations, work, social resources, livelihood-related issues including pension and livelihood assistance, families, friends, and future plans. In addition, the Crayon Life offers the services to pay visits to homes and accompany a person in his/her visit to the hospital, and at the same time gets involved in the activity to protect the rights of persons with psychiatric disabilities and extend its support to their living.

The Crayon Life is also entrusted with the project for regional welfare and protection of rights from the Tokyo Council of Social Welfare. This project is implemented to support the livelihood of elderly persons, persons with intellectual disabilities and persons with psychiatric disabilities. Under this project the Crayon Life offers services such as assistance for the use of social welfare service, property management, and keeping papers in custody. If the Screening Committee approves a person to use such services even though he/she lives on welfare, he/she is qualified to use the service without a fee. The fee for one service is approximately 1,000 Japanese yen if he/she has to pay. Mr. Satoru Misawa, who is the secretary-general of the Japan National Assembly of Disabled Peoplesﾕ International (DPI-Japan), is the head of the Crayon Life, and Ms. Makiko Kato, who is a peer counselor and a certified mental health social worker, works as an expert. Besides, our livelihood support members and directors include advocators with physical disabilities, intellectual disabilities and psychiatric disabilities. Additionally, peer counselors, lawyers, certified social workers, certified mental health social workers and doctors supports the activities of the Crayon Life.

We Carry Out Various Activities To Link Our Community To The World

The "Chorale Taito" hosted a couple of the "lecture to enliven your spirits" in October 2001 and two more lectures in 2002. We were also delighted when persons with psychiatric disabilities visited Japan from the USA and Netherlands in 2002. In 2002, we also welcomed our peers from Italy. Japan has the greatest number of beds for mental hospitals in the world and approximately half the number of 340,000 inpatients has been hospitalized for five years or more. Prejudice and discrimination against persons with psychiatric disabilities are still deep-seated and widespread in Japan. The quality of psychiatry is lower than that of other medical services as well. Moreover, the Japanese Diet recently passed the "Bill Concerning the Medical Treatment and Observation of Individuals who have Committed Grave Acts Against Others while in a State of Insanity" in order to facilitate the confinement of some persons with psychiatric disabilities. Under such circumstances, we are indeed encouraged and inspired to know about the UN movement to discuss the possibility of drawing up the convention on the rights of persons with disabilities and the movement in Trieste, Italy where all mental hospitals have been eliminated.

The "Chorale Taito" and the "Crayon Life" will continue to perform its activities while keeping its feet firmly on the ground of our community. At the same time, we entertain great hopes that we will get in contact with many people in the world beyond the differences of disabilities, positions and roles and the national boundary. We would like to pursue friendly and spirited activities although they may be modes and slow.

Until I Came To Terms With Myself
by Makiko Kato

1. I'm fine...not really, I need help!

I was a junior high school student when I found that I was unable to leave the house. Something was happening to me internally and at the time, I didnﾕt really understand what was going on. At least, I wasnﾕt able to describe my feelings. Perhaps the expression that best describes my situation at the time is ﾒplaying truantﾓ. The person, who was the physically fit student, was dissevered at some point in my life. In the second semester of the ninth grade, I was completely unable to attend school. The idea that I had to go to school or that I wanted to go to school didnﾕt occur to me at all. I had lost all motivation.

Although I entered high school, I didnﾕt attend any classes. One day my father said to me, ﾒyouﾕre becoming a wreck,ﾓ and after a night of crying myself to sleep, my parents took me to a psychiatric hospital for the first time the next day. I remember that I was seen by a physician and three nurses and I was asked questions such as, ﾒWhy donﾕt you go to school?ﾓ and ﾒIs there something else that you want to do?ﾓ I donﾕt remember what I said in answer to these questions. I was angry and I felt a groundless hostility towards the intellectual looking doctor. I most certainly wasnﾕt going to answer any of their questions and I think I sat there in stony silence.

After the session ended, my father left for work and my mother and I ate curry rice at the hospital cafeteria. From that time onwards, I began to verbally abuse my mother. I verbally abused her continuously during the one-hour train ride home. It was as if a storm began to brew in me. I decided not to talk to my father from that time.

I often cried because in my prayers to my ancestors, I felt so sorry for the people who had died. My will to live slowly began to diminish. I began to look and behave like a patient. Even on hot summer days, I stayed under the covers in my long-unmade futon and listened to pop songs on the transistor radio. I put locks on all the sliding doors to my room to shut out my family members. I didnﾕt bathe and I took my meals when nobody was around. I ate sporadically and stuffed myself on bowls of rice. I watched television until it was taken away. I lost my temper about minor irritations.

Last year, I saw a work of calligraphy hung at the entrance to the Central Metropolitan General Mental Health Welfare Center that said, ﾒIﾕm fineﾉnot really, I need helpﾓ. When I saw this motto written by an elementary school student about mental health, tears started to fall, so much so that I could no longer see the black lettering. That motto expressed the feelings that I most wanted to shout out to everyone during my junior high school days.

I knew about the mental disease called schizophrenia from the Complete Works of Literature for Boys and Girls and the Iwanami paperback books on my sisterﾕs bookshelves that I had read during my elementary school days. But when I saw my mother reading about the disease in the book, ﾒSchizophreniaﾓ, something within me snapped and shoving my mother out of the way, I burned that book. The thought that went screaming through my mind at the time was, ﾒDonﾕt try to understand me through doctors and books. Look at me!ﾓ This was not a reaction against the name of the disease, schizophrenia.

After this incident, I reenrolled in high school, but I did not attend. I remained secluded at home until I was 20. In contrast, my mother and sisters underwent a great change. My mother stopped trying to anxiously protect me. She joined community clubs to enjoy calligraphy, harie, and reading. My sistersﾕ attitudes toward me also changed. They told me, ﾒYouﾕve probably led a richer life enjoying music and art than we have, since weﾕve done nothing but studyﾓ. This is probably because Iﾕd become very lazy and ﾒautisticﾓ and had a lot of time to ﾒrecharge my batteriesﾓ.

2. I can see the light and wind.

Because I was a small and imperfect human being, I was overwhelmed by others, became impatient, and worried until my mind became a black void, at which point I was no longer able to move. I was unable to be considerate or sympathetic of others. And there were times when I was no longer a human being. By being given a quiet and unhurried space of time, my mind and emotions gradually became transparent and I regained my gentleness and amiability. I was able to appreciate the transitions in nature and to feel the light and the wind. This is my definition of what it means to be healthy.

When I was about 21, my father retired and began to stay at home. He was a severe alcoholic and he had cirrohosis of the liver. But he was unable to quit drinking. I always thought for a long period of time that ﾒI didnﾕt want to turn out to be like himﾓ. Thatﾕs because when he was over 70, I saw him crying to a friend over the phone about how he had taken up the challenge to fulfill an aspiration and had failed. Although I felt really sorry for him, it also made me feel very strongly that I didnﾕt want to be like him. After that, my father, mother, and I lived quietly together supported by my fatherﾕs pension. I was quite content with this quiet and placid life. In the past, my father lived apart from the family because he had been transferred to a distant job, and his presence in the family was like a shadow. However, clumsily as his attempts were, he did try to keep in touch with me. Once when we were watching a television drama, he became impressed with the role of a present-day teenager and said, ﾒIf youﾕre ever able to go to coffee shops with your friends like this, Iﾕll give all the allowance that you wantﾓ.

Two years later, when I was a student at a private university, they told me the following and it was a turning point in my life. ﾒI have Parkinsonﾕs disease. Although the medication has the disease under control, it is slowly progressing. Both your mother and I have nothing more we can do for you. Find a way to live your own life. Weﾕre really sorry about this situation. Young people have their own way of living. You would be happier living with younger people.ﾓ

3. "Youﾕre doing well"−My Encounter With Dr. P

I met Dr. P when I was 25. I was a depressed social welfare student who had been evaluated during practical training as, "Youﾕre too honest to the point of being narrow in perspectiveﾓ, "Youﾕre introverted", "She wants to go into the field of psychiatry and put her personal experience to good use, but what we want is someone who grew up without any emotional health problems". I started to slowly relate these experiences to Dr. P and I talked to him for 11 hours. I told him things that I had never told anyone, things that I thought I would be scolded for saying, embarrassing things that I wanted to keep hidden. I talked continuously as the ideas floated freely into my mind.

Smiling calmly, Dr. P would periodically encourage me by saying, "Thatﾕs interesting" or "I think so too" as he listened to me. When I could talk no more, he made one comment, "Youﾕre doing well. A person like you will be able to respond to a patient who calls in to ask if the world will exist ten years from now. You'll probably stop what youﾕre doing and listen to that patient".

Here was a person who knew my strengths and weaknesses and yet, could tell me "I was doing well". I felt as if I had been catapulted into a bright place and it was all right to fail, it was all right to become blemished. The fact that there was someone who took interest in me greatly changed my outlook on life.

Twenty years ago, Dr. P also taught me the restrictions that exist in psychiatric health care and social welfare. He once said, "Go visit the Ohara Art Museum. It's a wonderful place. It's a place that embodies the crystallization of self-expression by persons with psychiatric disability. The potential of each person with psychiatric disability and what health care and social welfare can achieve are two separate issues. No matter how hard a physician tries, when a patient says he or she wants to die, the physician has to dash out after telling the patient that heﾕs leaving immediately and to wait until he arrives. If there is a patient who is able to work, he must look for employment with the patient. He must help him/her build his/her workplace and home. That's what it's all about. Live your life honestly."

4. Self-help Group Activities

The majority of persons with psychiatric disability suffer from secondary handicap. They are persons who have lost their sense of existence due to long-term hospitalizations, those who are unable to learn how to live independently, those who suffer from the loss of thinking power and memory stemming from electrical shock, and those who suffer heart and liver problems due to the adverse effects of medication. They are all persons who have been robbed of their human dignity through psychiatric health care and social suppression. Through self-help activities, I have come to believe that human beings are all different and good. The benefit that self-help activities provide is the ability to talk about oneﾕs happiness, sadness, and anger with fellow companions who will listen. In other situations, one might be criticized for being ill, for being too shrill, immature, or told to stand firm. But the self-help group members listen to you, and make encouraging remarks like ﾒI see, thatﾕs rightﾓ or ﾒYouﾕve seen some hard timesﾓ. Something seems to gradually permeate your soul. What makes self-help activities so interesting is that you begin to be aware of your life with the growing realization that ﾒI can continue to like myself much, much moreﾓ. By continually talking about your personal life, you begin to become the focus and the leading character in your life. When this occurs, relationships with the people around you begin to change. As we traverse the road of life, there are times when we lose sight of where we are and where we are going. At such times, it is very important that I have someone who listen silently to what I have to say. When I am able to see myself again, Iﾕm able to calm down. Self-help activities are an invaluable means by which I can get to know myself, to regain myself, and to feel love for myself.

Choral Taito was established in August 1988 by a group of us who have shared our life experiences with one another. I became ill again in April of that year. One evening, T, an attendant who usually listens very sincerely to my conversations, told me very strongly, ﾒStop being such a please-all. Value those whom you really like and things that you like to doﾓ. By trying to conform to those around me, I was increasingly losing my inner freedom and the ﾒIﾓ was progressively becoming smaller. This is what I had been repeatedly doing. Tﾕs honesty and candor had me trembling and I was petrified.

When a human being has hit bottom, he or she begins to recover steadily. One member of the group began to look for an office, another became a cosigner of the lease, and the preparations to establish Choral Taito progressed. I became acutely aware of the fact that the effort to continue activities, to work, and to live built links and a bond between people.

5. Building a Relationship of Equality With Professionals

Psychiatric patients are often discriminated against. The truth of the matter is that neither the professional nor the patient really knows where the demarcation between the disease and the individual personality lies. However, the discrimination that accompanies the disease is considerable. Personally, what I fear the most about being discriminated against is the fact that I have learned to discriminate against myself as well. The fact that I kept trying to conform to the expectations of those around me and began to lose sight of myself is a clear indication of self-discrimination. What must be done in order to foster the ability to obtain informed consent properly and to establish a sustaining relationship between the professional and patient? Firstly, human resources must be increased and the professional must be free from pressure, unhurried, and relaxed when he/she deals with the patient. Secondly, legal discrimination must also be eliminated. The conscious discrimination within each person must be eliminated. All such visible forms of discrimination must be eliminated.

The fundamental basis of human life is the belief that ﾒthe person who I am is preciousﾓ. When we lose pride in our ability to choose, to act, and to take responsibility for the outcome of our actions, we lose the ability to live flexibly. In other words, we lose our mental health. We, human beings, live an unfortunate existence. As we lack the ability to understand ourselves, if we do not find a third party who will deal with us openly and honestly, we lose the haven that protects us from our fears and a relationship that shelters us from our anxieties in our dealings with human relationships, society and the surrounding environment, where we are exposed to discrimination, prejudice, and continuous anxiety. When we free ourselves from comparisons or competition with those around us, we become aware of the true power of life, and subsequently, other lives also become precious.

We live in an age when changes are demanded in the way both physicians and patients live their lives. Unfortunately, I lost many friends last year. Many passed away suddenly and the only positive note was that they didnﾕt commit suicide. Professionals must fundamentally have the heart and unhurried peace of mind to value their own lives as well as the lives of the people and patients around them. Professionals and patients must jointly work to eliminate special clinical psychiatry, increase social resources such as friendly and accessible counseling facilities for patients, and promote educational activities that will help spread public understanding about mental health. If the system of guardianship is eliminated and the professional-patient relationship is based on equality between both parties, informed consent becomes a matter of course. I hope that such a day may arrive soon. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

Self-Advocacy
by Makiko Kato

There are many requests for counseling by those who have attempted suicide or those frustrated with their hospitalization in mental hospitals. Although patients are told to consult the Mental Health Review Board about their problems with mental health hospitals, many patients have complained that ﾒMuch of the time our case is ignored. They donﾕt bother to inform us of the outcome of our complaints; and since our case gets rejected. I donﾕt think that itﾕs functioning adequatelyﾓ.

During the review process of the new Law on Mental Health and Welfare for People with Mental Disorde, the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare replied to these complaints as follows: ﾒIf you feel that your rights have been violated, please contact the Mental Health Rights Centerﾓ. If this is the case, the ministry should take more responsibility for the economic basis and the administrative affairs of the Mental Health Rights Center.

To be placed under protection is a violation of human rights. There are those who realize this fact and those who have sustained emotional scars from being placed under protection. Thus, these two facets exist when the mentally ill are placed under protection.

Eventually, many have no recourse but to seek the support of their parents. When their mental condition deteriorates, they are unable to leave their homes. Subsequently, their living environment becomes limited. Despite problems with their family members, they must ultimately depend on their parents. The system of guardianship and protection has reinforced this reality. Those who seek counseling are from families whose overall annual income is below three million yen. The majority of those who live alone are households on welfare. Due to such economic problems, livelihoods tend to become restricted.

Although limited, activities for persons with psychiatric disability are increasing in the urban areas. Public Health Centers and workshops accept persons with schizophrenia. Private counseling centers provide good services to borderline cases and people suffering from depression. The ideal situation would be to refer those seeking counseling to social resources that are best suited to their needs rather than to one facility that handles a variety of problems and issues.

Privacy does not exist at mental hospitals and at best, the only source of privacy that can be found is the patientsﾕ rooms. These rooms have concrete floors, with an exposed toilet in the corner and patients take their meals in the rooms. The better facilities have lockers that cannot be locked where patients can store their personal belongings. Beds are used at some of the facilities but many are tatemi rooms with an accommodation capacity of about 10 people, but they are usually crowded with 15 people.

Last year the number of influenza related deaths occurred for a period of time at mental health hospitals. Government made a survey and discovered that patients who had comparatively recovered from the influenza were being forced to change the diapers of the elderly patients, and the unhygienic conditions of the hospitals came to light. However, the hospitalsﾕ defense was that ﾒsince many of these patients were very lonely people, it was better for them to live collectively together. Care of the elderly by such healthy patients is one form of work therapyﾓ. Rather than being repentant, the statement was made in earnest.

Private telephone calls are nonexistent since the calls must be taken or made in one corner of a spacious room. The telephone is often located at the nursesﾕ station and the patient can never voice complaints about the hospital in telephone conversations. The patientﾕs finances are also usually managed by the hospital. But due to the scarcity of social resources, many patients have no other facility to go to despite the many dissatisfactory conditions.

Legal counsel is the best means of enforcing patient self-advocacy. However, it is difficult for patients to have access to lawyers. It is difficult for them to become acquainted with a lawyer and it also requires financial resources. Many lawyers do not take on cases about the rights of persons with disabilities

The home helper system will become available in the near future, but the foremost need of persons with psychiatric disability is a person who is willing to listen and those who are able to provide a sense of security. However, these needs remain completely unfulfilled under the current system of personal assistance.

It is important for us to express our feelings frankly when we feel uncomfortable or feel negatively about something. The foundation of self-advocacy is ﾒto listen to each otherﾓ. Persons with disabilities are those who try not to complain. They are trapped in a position of always having to express their gratitude and to endure all forms of unpleasantness. When human beings must interact with many different people, there are bound to be problems. Discussing problems when they occur promotes mutual understanding and enables these problems to be resolved. This process of problem solving is self-advocacy.

Based on the cooperation of the Peer Support Center Choral Taito of Persons with Psychiatric Disability, the municipal independent living centers, People First Discussion Group, and the Japan National Assembly of Disable Peoplesﾕ International, Heartland Crayon Life, a nonprofit organization, was established as part of the Choral Taito in order to promote self-advocacy among persons with psychiatric disability. As a friendly and accessible counseling facility which come to see those in need immediately, refer to a counselor for their continuous visit, we will continue to endeavor for those in need of our assistance.

My Experiences of Psychiatric Disability
By Shinya Ogi

It seems that I first became ill at the age of 32. I went to see my motherﾕs internist for a chronic cold, and X-rays and tests were taken. I went to see the physician without being particularly worried, but I was diagnosed with tuberculosis of the lung and was hospitalized immediately. After a month of hospitalization, I was unable to bear the atmosphere of the chronic illness ward and switched to outpatient visits. I visited the hospital for daily injections for the next two months. I was unable to endure the small living quarters of my motherﾕs apartment and returned to my condominium in Sayama. My mother also decided to move out of her apartment and my parents came to live with me. Shortly thereafter, certain incidents occurred and I became very paranoid about being wiretapped. I secluded myself in my room and refused to talk to anyone.

One day there was a very strong shock beneath my bed that pushed it upward. Although I checked, I found nothing. This was something that could not possibly occur no matter how objectively I thought about it. With that thought in mind, I sought refuge at a national mental health hospital. When I was diagnosed as being ill, I felt strangely relieved. I continued to hear strange sounds from the upper floor. My physician who was observing me for some time said, ﾒWhenever you feel anxious, youﾕll be able talk to me so why donﾕt you move to the open wardﾓ. So I agreed to be hospitalized.

After I was discharged, I was employed as an office clerk at a company and lived at their dormitory for single employees. But due to the noise of the passing trains, I quit my job.

During my absence, my mother asked the tenants living on the upper floor to move out after explaining the reason why (both my parents later began to be aware of abnormal incidents on the upper floor). The new tenants that moved in later said that they were shocked at how noisy the apartment was.

My father decided to move back to his home prefecture, Shikoku, and I had to find a new hospital. My primary physician recommended a national hospital in Shikoku, but my father wanted me to be hospitalized in a nearby private hospital where a guarantor was not required. Since the open ward was full, I was assigned to the closed ward. A closed ward with locks is a fearful place. There were nurses who forcibly fed liquid food to patients suffering from anorexia. There were people who wandered aimlessly about the ward. The nurses watched as the patients took a bath. I saw many other practices that I had never seen or experienced. Due to the medication that I was given, I spent much of the time sleeping. After one week of hospitalization, the staff decided to discharge me because they felt sorry for me. Despite the fact that I was in a constant daze due to the medication I had to take, I had to find employment. Luckily, I found a job and I was assigned to the general affairs department. I was placed in charge of making various adjustments. My health examinations were done over the phone and if I told the doctor that there were no changes in my condition, the medication was prescribed and I went to pick it up on every fourth Sunday at the hospital office. In the course of my employment, it became difficult for me to pick up the medication and I subsequently stopped taking it. As a result, the interpersonal relationships at work deteriorated and I quit my job after five years and went into seclusion.

I began to run out of money and began to feel uncomfortable. So I decided to return to Shikoku. My father stipulated that I could return home if I disposed all my personal belongings, but I returned home with my record collection.

In Shikoku, it was difficult to find employment without a driverﾕs license. This was a regional characteristic of the prefecture. The employment agency staff member kept telling me, ﾒIf you were able to drive, I would be able to introduce you to a variety of job openingsﾓ. As a result, I secluded myself at home yet again and became sensitive to noise and sound. A trusted acquaintance told me that newly built houses were quite noisy, but the sounds of the house kept me awake and I was unable to sleep. As a result, I was rehospitalizedﾑone week in the protection room, one week in the closed ward, and one week in the open ward and I was then discharged. I refused all medication after my discharge.

My father decided to sell his home and live in a retirement home for the elderly. He told me that he would give me one million yen if I returned to Tokyo. With the help of a friend in Tokyo, I rented a condominium in Kawasaki. However, the one million yen from my father was spent in one month.

When I first moved in, I heard a baby crying next door, but gradually the sound of the babyﾕs cries began to sound like the barking of a dog. I became very frightened. I sold my precious record collection and I used the money to return to Shikoku to ask my father his real reasons for sending me to Tokyo. My father and I talked for two hours. In conclusion, he admitted that he had been frightened of me. I returned to my condo in Kawasaki that same day and to my surprise, the sounds of everyday life had returned to normalﾑthe sound of the barking dog had changed back to the sound of a babyﾕs cries.

Following my rehospitalization and discharge, I began to go to the workshop and my mental outlook gradually began to change. The policy at the workshop was to let us try our hand at a variety of jobs and to assign the job that was most suited to that person. Occasionally, the person did not meet the expectations of the staff member. The fact that oneﾕs abilities differed from the expectations of another took on new meaning and significance for me. I rediscovered the joy of applying myself. I began to remember that human beings had a variety of potential abilities, and it was important to think about what one should do ﾒnowﾓ based on a judgment of the existing situation, to think about what was missing, how to interpret the situation, and what methods were available. If you succeeded, you gained confidence. If you failed, you thought about what to do to correct the mistake.

I became interested in surrealism and there was a period when I read books on mental disorders. I began to read books mainly about mental health counseling that was effective for mental disorders while I commuted to the workshop. Presently, I have a diversity of questions and my life has become enjoyable. Choral Taito has become a place where I can grow through discussions and activities with volunteers and a variety of mental health personnel working in different areas of mental health welfare. It is a source of open space and social activities and an invaluable means of discovering many social resources. It is a place where I am able to confirm what I can and cannot do. It is a place where I can deepen the diversity of what I can accomplish and cultivate the potential of what I cannot do through practical experience as well as knowledge. It is an invaluable place where many others and I can think about our individual aptitudes.

Illness and Life
By Jun Yoshida

When I entered junior high, my grades placed me in the upper middle range of academic achievement. I liked to study and my favorite subject was English. But in my third month of my first year in junior high school, I became the target of bullying by a punk group of students. My textbooks, hat, pencil boxes were stolen; and erasers were thrown at me during class.

When I became an eighth grader, the bullying by these students stopped, but my homeroom teacher became abusive; and he would slap me in the face for no reason and threaten me. I told my parents when I could bear it no longer and the physical abuse subsided. I lost interest in studying and my grades dropped, placing me near the bottom of the class.

When I became a ninth grader, the bullying stopped. But due to stress stemming from the high school examination hell, I became mentally ill. My parents took me to a psychiatry ward at a university hospital. When I became a high school student, I could no longer keep up with my studies and I had to repeat the first year, in other words, I had failed the tenth grade. However, although I was at the bottom of the class academically, I managed to graduate from high school.

I went to a preparatory school after graduating, but I failed all the college entrance exams that I took. After that, I did nothing in particular for a short period of time and eventually got hired by a company. I got into college one year later, so I quit my job.

In August, I began working in the social welfare field as a civil servant. My work was to provide care for the elderly. Although I had to work at night and the work was not easy, it was motivating. I talked to the elderly and sang with them in karaoke gatherings. My mental illness got better and I no longer had to take medication. I was employed there for about three years until I took a new job at an autonomous organization as a social welfare specialist. The foremost reason why I quitted the job was because I had to work the evening shift.

My new job was working as an institution personnel for intellectually disabled persons. I was in charge of severely and most severely disabled persons and the work was again very difficult. I oversaw rehabilitation training activities such as collecting aluminum cans for pressing, making handmade postcards out of paper cartons, and woodworking. The institution members called me by name and I enjoyed the work. I remember working diligently and earnestly during that time. Since I also had some free time I took a correspondence course. However, it would not be an exaggeration for me to say that my fate changed thereafter with the arrival of a new staff member who was hired after me. He would call me ﾒstupidﾓ and ﾒwhy donﾕt you do itﾓ and would act aggressively towards me. Believing that he would change his attitude towards me if I changed mine, I tried the best I could. But I ended up taking off from work for one month.

I resumed work in January, but I continued to take many days off. I repeatedly asked the manager to transfer me to another office and finally in April I moved to new workplace. But unfortunately, the human relationships did not improve and my mental illness returned. As a result, I was told to resign voluntarily or be fired; and in March, I resigned from the job. The reason that was given for my departure was that I was incapable of doing the work. In actuality, illness was the cause and in retrospect, I felt that they didnﾕt have to fire me on the grounds that I was incapable. The symptoms of my illness were panic attacksﾑI would worry that I would end up at a faraway destination if I continued to stay on the train or I would have a panic attack about what would happen if my wallet got stolen on the train. When I was at home, I would think about things like if the electrical cord touched another source of electricity, there would be an explosion, or I would worry about what would happen if an earthquake struck while I was taking a bath. I lost my job because of these panic attacks.

After I lost my job, I participated in the daycare activities of the mental health welfare center for one year. It mainly provided the recreational program. We watched videos, made collages, played table tennis and did many other activities. However, my panic attacks continued to occur frequently. After I completed the daycare program I was enrolled in the local workshop for the mentally ill. It was there that I learned about pension. The workshop also mainly provided the recreational program, so that I enjoyed myself. We met in meetings, sang at karaoke gatherings, and participated in cooking lessons. I made many friends. At the end of the workshop activity, we all went to the nearby family restaurant and had coffee. My illness got better. The manager of the workshop said to me, ﾒThis place is mainly for a recreational program. Why donﾕt you move up one step and go to different type of workshopﾓ.

At the new workshop, I stuffed and sealed postcards in plastic bags; and I adapted to the new environment. The only drawback was that I didnﾕt make any friends. But I would meet my friends from the former workshop and have coffee together, visit the zoo, and spend an enjoyable time together. I discovered that there were many people like me whose life had gone astray due to mental illness. Although I still have panic attacks, their frequency has diminished. I intend to live my life based on a future-oriented perspective.

My Experience With Employment
By Hajime Kawashima

I'd like to talk about my employment related experiences. When I was 39, I became aware of an abnormality in my mental condition, and I went to the psychiatric ward of the local general hospital and was diagnosed as having depression (technically manic-depressive psychosis).

I was employed at the Federation of Agricultural Cooperative Associations at the time, but I was unable to return to work after four years of illness and had to resign. Eight months after my resignation when my condition began to be improved and my mental state stabilized, I had the following conversation with my physician.
"Doctor, I have a lot of free time now."
" see. Would you like to start thinking about going back to work?"
"Yes, I think so. By the way, what should I watch out for when I look for a job?"
"Basically, there are two advices. Firstly, it must be a job where there will be someone to take over your work when you call in sick. Secondly, it shouldnﾕt be work with set deadlines, but something that doesnﾕt have any deadlines at all. Please keep them in mind when you look for a job."
"...."
"In addition, it should be light work such as moving boxes or taking telephone messages and ideally, the working hours should be from 10 a.m. to 4:00 p.m."

Based on the advices of my physician, I visited several Hello Work employment agencies.

The present job is my fourth following the treatment. Of course, my illness is a well kept secret at my workplace; and when I have bouts of depression and I am unable to go to work, I simply call in sick. The office simply wishes me well and they never ask me for details. During lunch breaks, I sit at the table and eat lunch with my co-workers. I take my medication after my meals, but nobody asks me about it.

At one of the three jobs that I have had in my life, I flipped out during a bout of depression and had an argument with my boss. As a result, I was fired. At the other jobs, I was unable to get up in the morning due to the depression and had to resign.

This is my seventh year at this fourth job as a sweeper. One of the foremost reasons why I have been able to continue this job for such a long period of time was that my boss in those early days was very warm and encouraging. What he said to me has helped me to work at maintaining my health and has kept me on the job all these years. After the first three months at work, my depression hit and I called in sick saying, ﾒIﾕm not feeling well today, so Iﾕll be absent. AndﾉIﾕd just like to go ahead and quitﾓ. My boss who was on the other end of the phone said, ﾒYou want to take off because youﾕre sick, right? Do you want to quit because you donﾕt like the job? Or is it because youﾕre not feeling well?ﾓ I instantly replied, ﾒItﾕs not because I donﾕt like the workﾓ. He then said, ﾒThen itﾕs okay to come back to work when youﾕre feeling betterﾓ. I was saved by those words.

Due to this incident, my first and foremost goal in my daily life has been to continue this sweeping job. Itﾕs a job that one can continue until 70 years old, if one remains healthy. I presently would like to work until my 70th birthday.

I have three reasons why I feel this way. Firstly, itﾕs a job where I donﾕt need to use my head or wrack my nerves, and itﾕs good for my health. Secondly, the working hours are from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Despite my depressive bouts of highs and lows, Iﾕm somehow able to continue working and it keeps me on my toes; and thereﾕs an established rhythm to my life. Thirdly, I remain a member of society and I feel that Iﾕm a part of it.

During my second hospitalization, the head of the psychiatry ward gave the following talk to the inpatients. ﾒAlthough all of you will eventually be discharged from this hospital, there are some patients who continue to live in society with a sense of guilt as if they were ex-convicts on parole. However, society does not see you in that way. Please live confidently with your heads held up high. If you continue to look up when comparing yourself to others, thereﾕs no end to it. Likewise, if you continue to look down, thereﾕs no end to it. Donﾕt lose your will to aspire; the point is to maintain the status quo.ﾓ These words have become my motto.

(These papear were presented at "Programme for MAINSTREAMING AND EMPOWERMENT OF DISABLED PEOPLE IN SOUTHERN AFRICA", training course organized by Japan International Cooperation Agency on 19 Nov. - 13 Dec. 2003 and on 28 July - 21 Aug. at Tokyo and Bangkok, and was translated by JICE)